Stage fright. I was sitting on the bathroom floor, backstage, sweating. It was quiet on the cold tile and I could hear laughter through the door as women were starting to pour into the church sanctuary. I was trying to slow down my breathing, wondering how in the world I got here. You know that moment right before it's time to go into labor, the moment you know this is totally going down...and there's no backing out? Yes, I'm dramatically comparing this moment to labor. THIS WAS THAT MOMENT!
Let me back up. I have a background in musical theater and writing Christian music. For the past year, I had teamed up with a local speaker (let’s call her JoJo) here in Fort Worth to host small church events . I would lead worship and also sing my original music and then JoJo would follow with a sermon as she was the featured speaker.
Moving On. Two weeks before our next event in Waco, TX, I got a call from JoJo that she wouldn’t be able to speak and she thought I should do it in her place. Okay, total truth time here...I got upset because THIS WASN’T THE PLAN. WHY ARE WE DEVIATING FROM THE PLAN?! After I hyperventilated into a brown paper bag, I did the mature thing and started immediately trying to find someone else to be the featured speaker. Anyone but me. Haha. I was all “I’M NOT A SPEAKER, I’M AN ARTIST!! A MUSICIAN!!” So, when I couldn’t find someone to fill the role, reality set in. I was it. This was going to happen...I was going to have to be the speaker. Batter up. Gulp. Pass the tranquilizer, please. And the chocolate. Immediately.
So, here I am… In the bathroom, about to get on stage, terrified. Do you know why it’s so scary? When I worked in musical theater, I was always someone else. I was dressed in a costume. The makeup and mannerisms weren’t me. But speaking on stage as just...me? Nothing to hide behind? That's scarier than wearing a bikini after having kids. That being said, I slowly opened the bathroom door, mumbled a prayer that was something like "fix it Jesus, don't let me faint" and walked on stage.
I began to softly speak on the topic I chose, “what hearing the voice of God looks like,” and something inside of me started to change. The fear began to melt and my voice became stronger and more confident with each passing sentence. I looked at the women in front of me...they were hungry for hope and wisdom. It was in this one moment, when I saw tears flowing down a woman's face in the audience, that my desire to speak and teach was born. It never ceases to amaze me that everything new is usually born from shattered walls of discomfort.
After speaking, I walked backstage to the same bathroom I was hiding in just 45 minutes earlier, closed the door and fell to my knees with tears pouring down my face and I knew, I just knew. After all of the drama it took to get me there, speaking felt like the most natural thing I’ve ever done. That’s what we call a plot twist.
Fast forward to the present day: While I don’t have the details worked out, I’m now working on a Masters of Divinity and slowly starting to speak at women’s church events. So, welcome to my new blog. A new blog, a new vision focused on inspiring others through faith, gluten and toxic free living, just for fun (videos coming soon) and music. There you have it.
A word of encouragement before the curtain falls on this post: Your past, even good things in your past, do not define your future. It's possible that you have multiple callings in various seasons and move from one to another as God directs. Don't let fear stop you from taking the first step...or the next step after that. Here's the deal, people will love to hang on to who they think you are to them, it's comforting. It's safe. Or maybe YOU want to hang on to who you think you are. Either way, don’t get caught in a net of comfort. Don't allow yourself to stay put if you are being called somewhere new. WALK THAT NEW PATH. GO. MOVE. And I get it, it’s scary, really scary. So do it scared. Otherwise, you’ll never know what dream might be born when you get up off the bathroom floor.